December is a season of giving, and insults are something one can give. So I’m giving you an insult-giving database. (I wouldn’t bother trying to parse out that logic, it’s just a flimsy pretext.) Lest you get too up-in-arms about the impropriety of such a thing, this database draws from a collection of old-timey put-downs that just sound silly today. I suppose if you start hurling these around at a renaissance faire you might draw return fire from the more committed reenactors, but that’s your poor judgement, not mine. And when we say our free databases come without a warranty or guarantee of any kind, that means you can’t blame me when Lord and Lady Worcestercheese empty a tankard of meade over your head and clobber you with one of those giant turkey legs. Are we clear on that? OK then.
Click the screenshot below to download the database. It works in versions 12 and 13 of FileMaker Pro. I left it unlocked so you’re free to pick it apart. Basically, it contains 52 records each with two adjectives and one noun. At startup these are loaded into a set of repeating variables. This would, of course, get boring after a while if you only had 52 insults to draw from, so the script that displays the insults on screen randomly selects the one adjective from each list and one noun. I think this gives us 140,608 possible combinations (52 cubed), but I’m not good at math, so feel free to correct me in the comments.